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How can I help Mr. Packrat and Ms. Tidy to live peacefully together?
(Hesitant Organizer in Ontario)

Dear Coach Kathy,

I have a prospective client who is good about constant de-cluttering. However, she lives with a packrat who tends to fill any available space in the house. They've reached a standoff -- he doesn't want to hear about his 'stuff' because if he just had time, unlike her he says, he too could get organized. So she looks after her stuff and keeps reducing it. He, on the other hand, keeps introducing yet another system -- shelving, file boxes, cubbyholes, desktop file holders -- and still insists it's a matter of not having enough space for his things, hence the mess. Her shoes are laid out neatly along a wall in the bedroom because the closet shoe space is full of things he needs to keep. I'm sure you've got the picture.

In your experience, how does one get the packrat to do things differently? She seems to be in a state of constant depression -- firstly because the subject of decluttering is taboo in their household, although he does criticize her untidiness without seeing any connection -- and secondly because she has to try to ignore this clutter each and every day of her life and it's driving her crazy.

How can I help this client? Do you have any suggestions at all?

Regards and thanks,
Hesitant Organizer in Ontario

Dear Hesitant,

The problem you described with this prospective client is one that I've encountered several times. It seems that opposites attract! When I am asked to organize a space in this kind of situation, I request a meeting with both individuals who "own" the space. I'd ask what the goals are for both of them. In this case, it sounds like the packrat does not have an interest in reducing the volume, and she is about to go crazy with all the mess. I'd assess whether or not the packrat has any interest in making some changes or if he is willing to accommodate some of his partner's needs. In a case like this, if he was willing to declutter and just didn't know how or want to take the time, then I could assist. If he had no interest in decluttering, I'd choose not to take this one on.

The "stuff" represents something deeper for this woman's partner, and this may be beyond the scope of what you or I are trained and qualified to assist with. Unless he is willing to deal with whatever issues cause him to accumulate more things, his behavior probably won't change. And even if they moved into a bigger house, he would eventually fill it and need yet more space. Enough space is NOT the issue in 80% of the cases (except perhaps in Japan!).

Sometimes individuals who are obsessed with hoarding (the severe packrat who refuses to get rid of anything) have OCD -- Obsessive Compusive Disorder. OCD is caused by an imbalance in the brain of a chemical called serotonin. Serotonin is a naturally occurring chemical that sends impulses from one nerve cell to another. Medication may help correct this imbalance. I have a good friend from college who has had OCD his entire life and was not diagnosed until well into adulthood. Once he started taking medication to correct the seratonin imbalance, his obsessive behaviors disappeared, and he is so much happier now. (So is everyone around him!) To read more about OCD, visit the National Institute of Mental Health's website on OCD. Although neither of us may be qualified to diagnose this in our clients, it will be helpful for you to be aware of this disorder. If you are comfortable doing so, you can pass on some information for the client to consider.

I share my definition of clutter with my clients, and then they get to define their own clutter for themselves. Here's my definition: Clutter is anything you own, possess, or do that does not enhance your life on a regular basis. Based on this definition, clutter can be things, activities, or even people in our lives. And "regular basis" must be defined by each person. For example, holiday decorations that are used once a year would be considered a "regular basis" by me. If, however, I have not used a holiday decoration for the last five years, then I may no longer consider that item to be enhancing my life. So each person must define "regular basis" for themselves. Here are some questions I typically ask my clients as we go through their things:

• Does this enhance your life?
• What's the worst thing that could happen if you got rid of it?
• Are there legal implications for holding onto it?
• If you got rid of it and discovered that you needed or wanted it later, could you replace it?
• When was the last time you used/wore it?
• Does it work? If not, do you intend to fix it? If so, when?
• Do you like it? For clothes: Does it fit? Do you have occasion to wear it? Do you have something matching to go with it (for a shirt, pants, skirt, etc.)

If these two are in a committed relationship, it may be helpful for them to work with a relationship counselor -- someone who can help them hear each other better and come up with a solution that is workable for both of them. If he is not willing to do that, it may be helpful for her to see someone by herself.

A word about depression...I have had a clinical depression twice in my life. Both times my life was going well, but I was still depressed and could not come up with any "logical" explanation as to why I would be depressed. The depression was due to a chemical imbalance in my brain -- commonly known as a "clinical" depression. My primary care physician treated me with an anti-depressant and the depression lifted. Within a few months I was off medication and I was back to my old self. If this woman has a clinical depression, that is treatable. If her depression is due to her circumstances at home, then she needs to find a way to resolve this to her satisfaction. Her level of commitment to this relationship is key. And her partner's level of commitment is also key. It sounds like her need for a less cluttered environment is presently being dismissed by her partner.

If her partner is not willing to meet her halfway on this, she'll need to decide if she is willing to live the rest of her life like this. If her partner is willing to work on decluttering their home but just doesn't know how or doesn't have the time, here is what I suggest:

• If he does not want to take the time, you and the client can go through things together. She can put things that she thinks would not enhance their lives on a regular basis into a box . These boxes can be labeled (by room name or type of contents) and stored elsewhere for one year. If he does not miss these things during the next year, then a year later they can get rid of them. If, however, he misses something, they can retrieve it from the boxes at any time. If you use this approach, he might want to "go through" the boxes right away. I advise against that until a year later. If he doesn't miss it during the year, how much could it possibly be enhancing his life to have it around?
• If he is willing to take the time but just doesn't know where to start, you can work with him and ask some of the questions above. (This will probably take quite a bit longer, because he will have emotional attachment to his things and it may be hard for him to make decisions about each and every item.) Even if he does this, you can put things in boxes and store them so he can feel more free to "let go" ...at least temporarily.
• Another option is to identify one room of the house for his "stuff" that he wants to collect that does not serve the good of the whole household. In other words, he can take one room and do anything he wants to with that space, and she can close the door so she doesn't have to look at it. (This option is usually not possible due to space limitations.)

I am highly organized and like everything put away and uncluttered. I have been married for nearly 20 years to a man who is not bothered by clutter...heck, he doesn't even notice it! But because he cares about me, and I care about a decluttered environment, my husband has chosen to make it a priority to put things away, and I have chosen to let go of my need to have everything put away all the time. Just as it's difficult for me to not put things away, it's difficult for my husband to remember to put things away. Because it does not come naturally to him, it requires extra thought and effort for him. What I'm saying is that when we as Professional Organizers work with couples who are so opposite, we won't achieve 100% satisfaction for everyone involved. (I'm still bothered by my husband's clutter, and he still feels stressed about putting things away.) What's important is that both people are willing to "give" enough to at least meet each other halfway. Nobody is right or wrong. We are what we are!

So my advice to you is to assess the situation and see if both people in this partnership are willing to negotiate. If not, I would not choose to work with this particular client. If you were to take on this work, you'd probably get caught in the middle of the crossfire. And your effort and their money would be wasted because their home environment would probably revert right back to its original state in no time. Unless both of them are willing to negotiate and receive your help, you cannot help them.

I hope this helps!

Best wishes,

Kathy Paauw
Professional Organizer and Certified Business Coach

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