Paauwerfully Organized - How do I move past grief? (Letting Go)

How do I move past grief?
(Letting Go)

Dear Kathy,

My son was murdered 2 1/2 years ago. He was 14 and still lived at home. I have given away a lot of his things but I will be moving soon to a smaller home and need to go through the rest. I know I have to do it but keep putting it off. Any suggestions?

--Letting Go

Dear Letting Go,

First, I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of any child would be difficult, especially under such circumstances. I'll share a few thoughts:

1. Have you completed the grief process for yourself, or are you feeling stuck in any part of that cycle? Here is the cycle that experts have identified as a normal part of grief:

Shock & denial
Anger
Depression & detachment
Dialogue & bargaining
Acceptance

If you are feeling stuck anywhere, completing the grief process is an important part of moving forward with your life. When my father died, I did not complete the grief process, and when I realized this ten years later I decided to join a Grief and Bereavement Support Group that was offered at a local hospital. Each person in the group had lost a parent, and it was very helpful to realize that what each of us went through was normal. (There was one person in the group who had lost her mother 14 years prior.) The hospital that sponsored this support group also had other groups for those who had lost children.

2. Here are a few ways in which others can help:

Ask a nonjudgmental friend to simply be with you as you go through your son's things...someone who will not make judgmental statements or tell you what you "should" do or feel.
Hire a professional organizer who has expertise in working with clients who are ready to "let go" -- one with whom you are comfortable. (If you let me know what part of the country you are in I might be able to make some recommendations.) I offer some suggestions that may be helpful. Read my article about Letting Go.
Hire a coach to help you work through this process. (Coaching is done by phone, usually once a week, although different intervals can be scheduled according to the client's needs.) I offer a complimentary coaching session if you'd like to experience how that works. If you want to set up a call, please let me know some times that will work for you. I generally schedule them between 8 AM and 4 PM Pacific time.
Contact Parents of Murdered Children, a nationwide support network that can be reached in Portland, Oregon at 503-656-8039.

3. A. couple things you might consider doing:

Take some photos of your son's room before you go through his things. Before you move, take photos of other parts of your home that hold memories of your time with him.
As you go through his things, you may find meaning in giving away items to friends who share your loss, or by giving to charities which will help others. If you aren't sure about whether or not to give something away, hold onto it for a while and revisit it after you've settled into your new home.

Let me know if I can assist you further in your process.

-Kathy Paauw
Professional Organizer and Certified Business Coach