ASK THE COACH

How do we handle Mom who has a serious cluttering problem?
(Anthony)

Dear Kathy,

I am 18 years old, and my mother is 44. My mother has a serious cluttering problem. She thinks that everything will be used one day. I feel that the prevention of any possible regret from throwing away an object that will be wanted in the future is greater than the comfort of her family, and a spaciously clean living condition. I am afraid that her reasons for clutter in her life are more deeply rooted in the psyche. This problem is getting worse and worse.

I have chosen to analyze the situation with Psychological studies for my Psychology 101 class. In Psychology, she would be labeled under the "Character Disorder" type...blaming the world for her problems. Which makes it all the more difficult. If you could help her, or at least me, by providing reputable oganizations for me to obtain info about the matter I would greatly appreciate it. If you could help her with a complimentary coaching session of some sort...or any other method...this would be amazing. Keep in mind that like many people, she is afraid of change. Although she isn't a lover of change, there is a part of her that is somewhat open to help. Especially with everyone else in the family making comments about "all this shit lying aroung that we don't use" (myself included), which throws the problem into her face, so it's obvious to her. Yet still, parts of the whole conditon she still denies.

Love and Hope,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

My article titled Letting Go: De-Cluttering Your Life may provide some insight. Complicating the de-cluttering process is all the emotional baggage attached to a person’s “stuff.” I’ve found some common causes of emotional baggage in working with serious packrats (the first cause below would not apply to your mother, based on her age):

1. The individual is old enough to have lived through the Great Depression. Having experienced a time when they had to make do with very little, many learned not to throw anything away. Although keeping everything may have served them well many years ago, their circumstances have changed and the mindset of “let’s keep it all in case I need it” no longer serves them.
   
   
2. The individual has experienced a severe loss in his/her life, and their possessions are filing a hole in their heart. Once they begin to see this correlation and work through the pain of that loss, they are better able to let go of some things in their environment. This type of packrat is more able to let go of something if they can give it to someone who needs it more than they do.
   
   
3. The individual is a highly creative and energetic person. All of their stuff represents an opportunity. What makes them very successful at what they do (creative, right-brained activities) also makes them very lousy at organizing their surroundings (analytical, left-brained activity). Their internal dialogue often says, “I better not throw that away, because I might do something with it someday.” Of course, if they cannot lay their hands on it, it will never be of use to them, anyway. This type of individual needs to partner with someone who has the organizing skills that they lack, so they can let go of what they truly don’t need and have a system in place so they can find what they need when they need it.
   
   
4. The individual has struggled with depression or physical illness/injury. Sometimes these struggles can derail people and they lose the desire to care for themselves and their environment. Their internal dialogue says, “What does it matter? So what, who cares!”

With respect to the coaching call, I would be happy to offer a call to your mother...IF she WANTS to discuss this. What I often find is that everyone around the person wants them to change, but the individual in question has no desire to make any changes. In this case, I would not be of much assistance. Most people are motivated to change for one of two reasons: it will increase pleasure, or decrease pain in THEIR life. I have no doubt, based on what you've said, that de-cluttering would either increase pleasure or decrease pain for those AROUND your mother. The question is whether or not your mother would find the same benefits from doing the work. There are probably some deep-seated issues tied to her clutter, so the motivation would have to be very high in order for her to desire any change.

I might suggest that you read one other article I wrote titled Getting Motivated to Get Organized. From what you have shared, I would say that YOU are motivated, but I question whether or not your mother is. If your mother is not motivated to change, perhaps I could offer the coaching session to you...to help you see what YOUR options are for dealing with your mother's choices. I hope these insights are helpful to you.

Best wishes,

Kathy Paauw
Professional Organizer and Certified Business Coach

Response to Kathy's reply:

Oh my god.....That has been precisely what I have been scouring the web for!!! Not only does this help me understand my mother...but it helps immensely with my project!! I think that she is a combination of : #2 & 3... A creative person...who is coping at the same time with her kids "leaving the nest" and other small problems in the family. Thank you so much.

Love and Light,
Anthony

Ask Kathy

©2000-2005 Paauwerfully Organized. All Rights Reserved.