ASK THE COACH

How can I get more time for my life?
(Running on Empty in Maryland)

First, I applaud you for the many tasks you are juggling as a single parent and the daughter of an aging parent.  It sounds like you have a very full plate.  I also applaud you for having some non-negotiables that you recognize as so important that you are not willing to cut them from your schedule.  You sound very clear about that.  At the same time, you have too many demands on your time, and if you keep up at the same pace (depriving yourself of sleep, exercise, & self-care), your body will eventually revolt and force you to take a break.  I sense you see that coming and want to prevent it from happening.  Thus, your search for preventive solutions.

Although I cannot offer any suggestions as to how you can get more time, I can suggest some ideas that may help you build more balance into your life.  Mother Teresa once said, "To keep the lamp burning, you have to keep putting oil in it."  A more balanced life will keep you healthy and more energetic so you can be more effective.  Sometimes by taking a step back we can see the bigger picture and think outside the box to accomplish things in more creative ways. 

Weekly Planning:  The busier you are, the more important planning becomes.  If you are not already doing weekly planning, I suggest that you take a look at this excellent six step weekly planning process, which is designed to build balance into your life.  You may also be interested in using a time analysis tool called the 168-Hour Exercise (the number of hours in a week). 

You mentioned projects and maintenance that need your attention. Are there ways to break these down into bite-size pieces that you can find little snippets of time to fit in?  If you have a 3 hour project and don't have three hours, how about finding six 30-minute blocks of time.  Can you get things done in that way?  Think outside of the box and get creative with this.  As you plan your week, you can plan baby steps that will keep you moving forward toward your goal.

I offer some teleclasses that may be helpful to you in sorting out your priorities and planning your time accordingly.

Clear Your Mind:  You may feel overwhelmed with too many sticky notes on your brain.  If this is the case, I suggest that you do a RAM Dump.  I provide an extensive list of trigger questions to help you with this.  It will be overwhelming when you see the pages and pages of "to-do" items that this generates.  The good news is that it frees up your brain so you don't have to remember them all.  After downloading all of the ideas from your brain onto paper (or onto your computer), you'll need to determine which of the four D's (do, defer, delegate, dump) is appropriate for each and every item on your list:

• Do (this week -- calendar it in)
• Defer (you'll do it another week)
• Delegate (you want it done but you will ask someone else to do it)
• Dump (you are not going to do it)

Ask for Help:  If you don't ask for help, you won't get it.  Although you may not have the financial resources to hire the help you'd like, don't overlook some creative ways to request help.  Here are some ideas I've come up with:

• Does your son have classmates he can work with on his homework?  Sometimes you can supervise the homework, and sometimes another trusted parent can supervise.
• If you don't have money for a babysitter and are not comfortable leaving your son home alone, swap with another parent you trust and offer to watch their child in trade-off for them watching your son from time to time.  Take some time to get away and do something to replenish youreself at least once a week if you can possibly manage it...even if it's just for an hour.
• Do you have a friend or neighbor you can share chores with -- perhaps another single parent you can pair up with to share a meal?  Sometimes you do the cooking and sometimes they do.
• Identify other means of support for your mother so the responsibility does not always fall on your shoulders -- enlist the help of siblings, people from church, neighbors or friends of hers -- whoever you can think of who cares about you and/or your mother.  If you were not available, who else might your mother call on to help her with her needs?
• Are there ways you can barter or trade with others who can provide some support (house cleaning, running errands, transporting your son places, etc.)?  If your budget will allow, are there any services you can pay for which will free up some time for you?
• As your son gets older, ask him to take on more responsibilities at home -- help with cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning and picking up, taking out the garbage, etc.  Then you can both treat yourself by doing something fun together with the time you otherwise would not have had available to spend with him. 
• Even if you cannot delegate an entire project to someone else, are there pieces of it that you can delegate?

Multi-task:  You're probably already doing this.  Are there any other things you can multi-task?  Here are some ideas:

• Find activities to do with your son that will energize you.  Can you exercise together?  Go for a walk together or go to your local YMCA and play a sport together.  Do something to stay physically active while you connect with your son. 
• If you drive to work, is it possible to take public transportation instead and have a nap or reading time while you leave the driving to someone else?  If you're already taking public transportation, how can you maximize the use of that time to your benefit

Just say NO!:  No is a complete sentence.  If you've committed to doing volunteer work or non-essential activities, perhaps it's time to renegotiate those commitments.  In another few years your son will be much more independent and you will have opportunities later to take on activities you'd like to say yes to but don't have time for now.  Being a parent is probably the most important job you'll ever have.  Remember that you're doing the job of two people as a single parent, and cut yourself some slack.  Take one day at a time and live fully in the moment while your son is still at home and dependent on you.

Ask Kathy

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