“A friend is a gift you give yourself.”
-Robert Lewis Stevenson

Overwhelmed by the demands of our time and energy, it’s easy to put friendships aside.  And yet it’s often our friends who are best able to keep us tethered to the world around us as it spins out of control.  Feeling connected to others is essential, especially when times are tough.  The holiday season accentuates feelings of isolation and loneliness for some...and it does not have to be this way.  Feeling lonely or feeling connected to others is a choice. 

So what holds us back? 

Even when we make friendships a priority, many of us feel guilty about choosing time with a friend over time with our spouses and kids.   Dr. Alice Domar, assistant professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School and the author of  Self-Nurture, writes specifically about women, although I believe what she says applies to men, as well:  “What shapes women’s behavior is our inner voices, and what those voices  say to us is ‘A good mother and wife wouldn’t want to be with friends.  She’d be satisfied to stay home with her family every evening and on weekends, when she hasn’t seen them all week long.  Only a selfish woman spends time with her friends.’ ”  

Those of you who have read other articles I’ve written probably know what I’m going to say next. Quit shoulding on yourself!! 

If you’ve put friends on the back burner for very long, you may find that there’s nobody to turn to when you finally do want to spend time with a friend.  Friends from the past may have gone their separate ways or may be as overscheduled as you are.  As for new friends, you may have been too busy to form new connections.  In order to weave friendships into the fabric of your life, you need to give yourself permission to enjoy them.  In this fast-paced stress-filled world we live in, we need the support of friends.

Because we spend so much time at work, that may seem like a natural place to look for friends.  Domar points out that it’s sometimes difficult to co-mingle office friendships with our personal lives. She notes that competition in the workplace may also strain a friendship. Those you work with are “either your boss, the people who report to you, or the people on your level who just might be going up against you for the next promotion. That can make true friendship kind of hard,”  explains Domar. Those of us who work solo or from a home office face a different kind of challenge -- that of feeling isolated.

I recently read an interview with a famous actor who admitted that he felt lonely.  His interviewer, who was clearly surprised by this revelation, asked how someone with such fame and popularity could feel so alone. He stated that he did not feel alone -- he felt lonely. The actor went on to qualify his statement, explaining that although he was surrounded by people all the time, he did not feel connected to those people, and that disconnectedness left him feeling lonely.

Sometimes friendships drift apart because of busy schedules.  Other times it is because of misunderstandings or hurt feelings.  Jan Yager, author of Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives, recalls something that happened when her father died and a close friend did not attend the funeral.  She felt hurt and disappointed, until she later learned that her friend had not come to the service because she was still distraught over the death of her own father.  With this additional information, her perspective completely changed from feeling slighted to feeling empathetic. 

Yager says that making friends can often seem easy.  The hard part is in keeping the connections strong during the natural ups and downs that affect all relationships.  Her suggestion:  consider friendship an honor and a gift, and worth the effort to treasure and nurture.

“Complete possession is proved only by giving.
All you are unable to give possesses you.”
-Andre Gide

I have a theory about why so many of us feel disconnected.  It has to do with the scarcity mentality that we live under. I’ll share a story to illustrate.

Many children who lost their parents in war-torn Kosovo were brought to an orphanage where their physical needs were taken care of.  A psychologist was brought in to care for the emotional needs of the orphans, and one of the first things he discovered was that many of these children were not sleeping.  They would not close their eyes at night because they feared that they would be hungrier when they woke up than they were when they went to sleep – a sad reality from their past -- so they did not sleep.  The psychologist had an idea.  He asked the staff to give every child a piece of bread to keep with them at night, and he asked that the children not eat the bread until morning.  If they were hungry at night, they could go to the kitchen and get something to eat, but they were not to touch the bread until morning. Over time, the children started to trust that there would be enough food.  Eventually they were able to close their eyes and fall asleep, with the bread cradled in their arms.

Aren’t we like the children in Kosovo?  We fear that we will not have enough -- enough time or enough love, for example -- so we cling tightly and become stingy with how much time or love we give to those we care about most.  This illusion of scarcity causes us to give only the leftovers -- in a very measured and controlled way -- to what we value most.  For many of us, this is why our friendships and other relationships have suffered.    

Do you live under the illusion of scarcity or the reality of abundance? 

The reality of abundance means that there’s always enough.  I’ve discovered this through running my own business.  This year I have done more volunteer and pro bono work than any other year in business, and I’ve exceeded my income goal for the year with one month still left to go. I get back much more than I give away. Thinking back to earlier years in business, I realize that the more I tried to control time by being stingy with it, the more time I needed.  By spending time on what I value most, my experience of time expands.  I’m experiencing the reality of abundance.

Perhaps you’ve been jarred into thinking more about what matters most in the aftermath of the September 11 tragedy.  I know I have.  I’m making more time for friends and family, which means that I’m spending less time on things that are not as important and more time on what I value most.  And the more I let go of my fear of not having enough, the more I experience an abundance of that which I want or need more of.

So don’t hold back when you give to others in your life.  You can give the leftovers, or you can give from the abundance of everything that you have to give. 

“Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
-Albert Camus

If you’re feeling disconnected, it may be time to reconnect with old friends or make some new ones.  Here are some ideas to get you started:

Spending time with friends is not self-indulgent behavior.  Extensive research has found that people who do not enjoy a strong social network are two to three times more likely to die at a younger age than those who have this kind of support.  Although this social network used to be provided by extended family who lived nearby -- a cousin to seek advice from, a sibling to share problems and concerns with, a grandparent or aunt/uncle to learn from --  today it’s often friends who meet these needs.

Yes, all of these ideas require time…a valuable commodity these days.  And if you put yourself last on the list, you may find yourself stressed out, depleted of energy, and unable to give your family members or your job the full attention they need.  Just remember that doing something that is good for you is ultimately good for your whole family and your career.

“Stop telling yourself you’re trapped.
You’re not trapped; you just haven’t found the door yet.”
-Phillip C. McGraw, PhD

As we complete another year, take some time by yourself to reflect on your successes and disappointments for this past year, as well as your wishes and intentions for the coming year. Write down your responses to these questions as you reflect:

1. What do you really want for yourself in the coming year?  Identify what you are most passionate about in your life. Imagine that things are already the way you want them to be and write down the results you expect in each of the following areas -- in specific and measurable terms:

   • Health & wellness:  I choose…
     
   • Relationships: I choose…
     
   • Prosperity: I choose…
     
   • Personal growth: I choose…

Once you’ve gained some clarity about your focus for the coming year, set yourself up for success. Dr. Phillip McGraw has identified these traits and characteristics common to every winner, champion, and success story he has studied:

• Set specific goals:  Be able to describe exactly what constitutes success for you.  Even better, visualize your goals as if you’ve already achieved them and imagine how you will feel.
• Develop a strategy:  Have a well thought out step-by-step strategy for attaining success.  Include these strategies in your weekly planning.
• Take action:  Once you’ve identified the goals and strategies, take action!
• Practice self-management:  Take care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually, and socially.  Don’t allow others to drag you down.  Check your self-talk and avoid “should,” “gotta,” and “have to.”
• Connect to your passions:  Align your goals with your passions.  When you are passionate about your goals, don’t be surprised if you wake up before your alarm goes off and you cannot wait to jump out of bed and get to work on achieving them.
• Get support:  True winners don’t achieve success without support.  Surround yourself with people who want to see you succeed and who live vicariously through your success.

As you prepare for a successful year 2002, keep these characteristics in mind and build them into your plan for success.

Copyright © 2001  Kathy Paauw.