In Pursuit of Happiness

"Happiness, like unhappiness, is a proactive choice."
-Stephen Covey

My 19-year-old daughter has an old silver 1985 Volvo. Considering that it's older than she is, it's in remarkably good condition. One of the things that is not working, though, is the gas gauge. She feels very uneasy when she thinks her tank is less than half full, because she must always guess how much gas she has left. When her tank is full, she says her car is "happy."

Do you remember how you felt the last time you saw your gas tank sitting on empty? If you're like most people, you probably had difficulty focusing on anything other than finding the nearest gas station.

Having plenty of gas in your tank is similar to having reserves for all the things you need in life.  Of course, you must also make sure to identify what’s draining your reserves and do what you can to plug the leaks!   I’ve addressed having reserves of time in several past articles.

This article is devoted to the topic of happiness. We want it. We strive for it. We envy others who have it. We can see it just beyond the horizon …as soon as we get richer, thinner, married, divorced, younger, older, find a dream job, or quit a lousy one.

Yet, how many people do you know who "have everything" and still yearn for true happiness? The kind of happiness I'm talking about is that kind that comes from within and is not based on status, position, wealth, or possessions. It's a natural resource that is readily available to all. Happiness is a choice.

How do you define happiness? Tal David Ben-Shahar, a professor who has pioneered a psychology class called “Happiness 101: Positive Psychology” defines it as “the intersection between pleasure and meaning. Experiences can be either pleasurable or meaningful or both. Happiness is the overlap of the two.”

Humans have a fundamental need to be happy. Ben-Shahar wants his goal-oriented Harvard students to learn that happiness is the ultimate currency, not money or success. The course teaches students to focus on the journey rather than the material results of what they're going to get. In other words, one can enjoy every step of the process and appreciate all of the little things along the way. Topics covered in Happiness 101 include gratitude, goal setting, relationships, love, self-esteem, and the mind-body connection.

We'll explore some ways to focus on these topics.

Gratitude

“The thing that's changed me the most is the idea of

just expressing gratitude, not being afraid to be happy.”

-- Katie Koh, Harvard Positive Psych student

Here are some ideas to help you develop the habit of being in an attitude of gratitude:

• Keep a daily Gratitude Journal – Begin your day by writing down the people, places, things and experiences in your life that you are thankful for.
• Meditate or pray about what you are thankful for.
• Express gratitude to others – give hugs, tell others how you feel. Send unexpected greeting cards to someone from your work or personal life.  In the card, express your gratitude and appreciation for the ways they enhance or affect your life.

For several months now I have been in the habit of sending at least one unexpected greeting card each day to someone I care about.  By doing this first thing in the morning, I set the tone for my whole day. 

TAKE ACTION CHALLENGE #1:  For one full week, send at least one unexpected note of appreciation to someone who adds meaning to your life.  I’ll set you up with a free gift account with SendOutCards -- a company that enables you to send a greeting card in the mail without leaving the comfort of your home or office.  I’ll even pay for the first three cards and stamps!  Visit www.BeThoughtfulNow.com to learn more about it and to request a gift account. 

Please write me at the end of the week and share the magic that happens in your life as you begin the habit of sharing appreciation daily.

Goal Setting

“You may get skinned knees and elbows,
but it’s worth it if you score a spectacular goal.”
--Mia Hamm, Go for the Goal

Goals can add meaning and purpose to your life, provided that they reflect your core values, natural gifts and passions, and not someone else’s.  When writing down your goals, check your self-talk.  Are you saying “I should…” or “I gotta…” or “I have to…” as you list your goals?  If so, stop yourself and ask, “Do I choose to…?”  Be sure they are your goals and not goals based on what someone else thinks or wants for you. 

TAKE ACTION CHALLENGE #2:  For tips to assist you with setting meaningful goals, go to http://www.orgcoach.net/planfortheyear.html .  Then schedule a weekly appointment with yourself to do weekly planning.  Follow the weekly planning process outlined at http://www.orgcoach.net/sixsteps.html.

Relationships/Love

“The easiest kind of relationship is with
ten thousand people; the hardest is with one.”
--Joan Baez

Studies show that people who offer their time and energy to others tend to be happier themselves. 

When you offer yourself to others, it’s important that you keep your commitments.  Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, tells us when we do this we make “deposits” in Emotional Bank Account.

TAKE ACTION CHALLENGE #3:  Here are some ways you can build up your Emotional Bank Account.  Examples are included to demonstrate practical application of this:

• Acknowledge where you are out of integrity: Several months ago I promised my colleague that I would complete a project and I have not honored my commitment.
• Be intentional: I choose to complete this project by the end of August. (Not "I will try to…")
• Have a committed plan of action: I've blocked out three hours on Thursday morning each week to work on this project between now and the end of August. During these scheduled working sessions I will let my voice mail take messages and I will close my door and ask that I not be interrupted.
• Take action: I exercise integrity and follow through with my plan, without allowing myself to get derailed by distractions. If an emergency comes up that derails me from my work, I’ll reschedule the working session for another time that week.
• Build in accountability: I'm sharing my intentions with my coach and have asked her to check with me weekly to see if I did what I said I would do by the date/time I committed to doing it.

Visit http://www.orgcoach.net/newsletter/aug2001.html for more information on this topic.

Self-Esteem

"Self-discipline begins with the mastery of your thoughts. 
If you don't control what you think, you can't control what you do.
Simply, self-discipline enables you to think first and act afterward."    
-- Napoleon Hill

In a physical sense, most of us enjoy freedom. In an emotional or psychological sense, however, an estimated 80% of the population puts themselves into a self-imposed prison cell on a regular basis. We forfeit our freedom of choice through our own thought processes.

I frequently hear my clients say, "I have to…" or "I gotta…" or "I should…" And when I hear those phrases I often ask, "Do you have to or do you choose to?" There are very few things in life that we have to do. Yet some of us forfeit our choice to the point of seeing our options in life as limited. This generally leads to a feeling of hopelessness.

There may indeed be times when you are not at choice…when you truly are a victim. And sometimes we slip into the victim role when, in fact, we do have choices. The first step toward getting out of a self-imposed victim role is to recognize the choices you have.  As we celebrate America’s Independence Day, we are reminded of how hard our country has fought for that freedom of choice.

We learn at a very early age that if we act a certain way, we will achieve a certain result. Often the result we opt for is safety. And safety is necessary to preserve our physical well-being. However, our desire to be "safe" sometimes paralyzes our ability to exercise our free will. From childhood on, most of us have been programmed to "play it safe," and this often affects the choices we make as adults. We tell ourselves, "That was so disappointing before, so I better not take that chance again."

Do you allow your fear of hurt, rejection, or failure to determine how much risk you are willing to take? What is the cost of doing this? Perhaps you're stuck in a job or career path you hate, or you are in a relationship that does not serve you, or you've chosen not to pursue a relationship you want. Do you struggle with low self-esteem and self-confidence? If so, you are probably severely hampering your ability to manifest what you want in your life by convincing yourself that you should not try, or that you do not deserve what you really want.

Choices are strongly influenced by disempowering emotions. By learning to recognize and step out of experiencing these emotions, a whole new world of possibility will be available to you.

When I feel out of control or like a victim, I think about this powerful equation:

E + R = O (Event + Response = Outcome)

What precedes the equal sign is called a variable, and what follows the equal sign is called the quotient.  In order to change the quotient (the Outcome), you must change a variable.  Often you cannot change one of the variables -- an Event that happens in your life -- but you can choose your Response to that Event.  By choosing your Response, you will affect the Outcome.

TAKE ACTION CHALLENGE #4: Don’t let your emotions rule.  This is where E + R = O becomes such a powerful tool to use!  Do you allow your emotions to determine your commitment level to achieving your goal?  Focus on what you want and choose … not how you feel at the moment.  Example: you’ve made a commitment to yourself to clear your desk before leaving the office each day…and at the end of the day you feel really tired and not in the mood to put things away.  You just want to get home, have dinner and relax.  Here’s how E + R = O works:

Event:  It’s the end of a workday and your desk is a mess.
Response #1:  You decide to leave your desk the way it is and go home.
Outcome:  Tomorrow morning you come into your office and feel defeated before the workday even begins.  As you look at what is on your desk, you feel overwhelmed, distracted, stressed and out of control.

Event:  It’s the end of a workday and your desk is a mess.
Response #2:  You spend your last 10 minutes in the office filing things away and you drop the outgoing mail in a mailbox on your way home.
Outcome:  Tomorrow morning you come into your office and sit down at a clear desk.  You spend the first few minutes planning how you will focus your energy and time for the day.  You feel calm and in control.

 

Mind-Body Connection

"Happiness is genetically influenced, although it is not genetically fixed.  The brain's structure can be modified through practice. If you really want  to be happier than your grandparents provided for in your genes, you have to learn the kinds of things you can do, day by day, to bounce your set point up and avoid the things that bounce it down."

-- David Lykken

It had previously been thought that the brain is unchanged by life experiences. Recent breakthroughs in psychology, neurology, and chemistry have revealed that happiness is attainable, and the brain can actually change as a result of conscious selection of thoughts.

Each of us is born with a genetically coded happiness "set point" which is not based entirely on what happens to us. This explains why some people are naturally cheerful most of the time, while others walk around with a permanent scowl on their faces - determined in part by their genetic predisposition. However, according to University of Minnesota professor emeritus of psychology A study conducted with identical twins raised in different environments suggests that an individual's set point determines about 50% of their disposition to happiness. In other words, some people are happy, regardless of their less-than-ideal circumstances, while others are unhappy, even when they seem to "have it all."

Being happy is not the same as being cheerful.  Harvard Professor Ben-Shahar suggests “giving yourself permission to be human.”  That means being willing to accept and experience the full range of emotions.  And happiness isn’t limited to your brain.  The rest of your body needs to be treated with kindness and respect in order to support your emotional goals.

According to Ed Diener, a professor of psychology at the University of Illinois and coeditor of the Journal of Happiness Studies, a number of activities can be used to raise subjective well-being. Even in the midst of hardship, one can experience simple pleasures by doing some of these activities:

• Get adequate sleep
• Get adequate exercise
• Nurture close relationships -- connection, physical touch.
• Maintain an optimistic outlook - choose positive thoughts.
• Keep a gratitude journal.
• Forgive others and let go of the past.
• Utilize signature strengths (honesty, kindness, ingenuity, love of learning, etc.) in service of something larger than yourself.
• Act happy by changing your physiology -- put on a happy smile!
• Meditate*

*Meditation is a very effective way to change subjective well-being. Richard Davidson, professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin, found in his research that high levels of activity at the left frontal area of the cerebral cortex coincided with feelings of happiness, joy, and alertness. Activity on the right frontal area corresponded to feelings of sadness, anxiety, and worry. Since meditation generates more left-brain activity, studies have concluded that it offers a way to produce more positive emotion.

TAKE ACTION CHALLENGE #5: Over the next several months, choose one activity a month from the list above, and form a new habit around doing that activity regularly.  Once the first activity has become a new habit, add another one.