The Power of Acknowledgement

“You need to be aware of what others are doing, applaud their effors,
acknowledge their successes, and encourage them in their pursuits.
When we all help one another, everybody wins.”
--Jim Stovall

Our daughter is a senior in high school.  Graduation is approaching, and so is decision-making time for where she will attend college. We have spent the last several months visiting college campuses around the country so she can determine where the best fit will be for her, based on the values she is seeking in a college experience. It’s a bittersweet time for my husband and me. We’ve spent 18 years raising her so she can spread her wings and fly solo, and now that the time is almost here, we’re dreading the day she leaves the nest.

High school has not been a great experience for our daughter. You may remember your own high school experience, or you may presently be re-living this experience through a son, daughter, or someone else's child you are close to.  For her -- and for many other students I know -- high school has been an unforgiving and painful place to be.  Kids can be really cruel and superficial, making it hard for many to trust their peers.  Someone who is a best friend today may drop you like a hot potato tomorrow, with no warning or explanation.  Some students make snap judgments about others, based on the way they dress, a certain “look,” who they hang with, or whether or not they like to “party.”   And those who befriend the kids who are not popular are often labeled as “losers.” 

For years we’ve told our daughter that it gets better in college, and I don’t think she believed us until this year during her overnight visits to college campuses around the country. She has been so relieved to experience for herself that it does get better.  Kids do eventually grow up and drop their juvenile behavior.  (Okay, so I know some adults who never grow up!)   In general, college students are much more civil to each other; they’ve started making choices based on their values rather than just on the basis of what will make them most popular.

Someone sent me this touching story, written about the life of a high school student.  Although it is reported to be an urban legend, it is an accurate representation of the kinds of things that typically happen in high school, and it demonstrates how one person can make such a difference.

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."

I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends the next day), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get a life!" He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.  I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. 

As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.  We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.

Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!   He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I went to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business school on a football scholarship. 

Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.  He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.  He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.  "Thanks," he said.

As Kyle started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story."

I just looked at Kyle with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize its depth.

Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life, for better or for worse. We are all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Although you have probably long since graduated high school, I’ll bet you could relate to some parts of the story above.

This story reminds me of something fundamental that I think directly applies to all of us, whether we are in school or in the workplace.  We all want to be acknowledged for our contributions in this world – to know that our lives matter in some way -- and we all want to be treated with respect. 

A Gallup Poll conducted in 2004 reported that 65% of Americans received NO praise or recognition in the workplace in the last year.  The US Department of Labor reports that the number one reason people leave organizations is that they don’t feel appreciated.  Their contributions are not acknowledged. Gallup’s study of nearly 5 million employees reveals that increasing the recognition and praise in an organization can lead to lower turnover, higher customer loyalty and satisfaction scores, and increases in overall productivity.

In the book, First Break All the Rules, over one million employees were surveyed and more than 80,000 managers were interviewed to determine what factors separated the leaders of high performing teams from leaders of average ones.  The results boil down to these six questions:

1. Do I know what is expected of me at work?
2. Do I have the materials and equipment I need to do my work well?
3. Do I have the opportunity to do what I do best every day?
4. Does my supervisor, or someone else at work, seem to care about me as a person?
5. Is there someone at work who encourages my development?
6. In the last 7 days, have I received recognition or praise for good work?

The same author of First Break All the Rules has written another book called How Full Is Your Bucket. Take the new Positive Impact test, download the Bucket Filling Interview, set up recognition reminders, and more.  (My January 2004 article, Discovering Your Strengths, was based on another book called Now, Discover Your Strengths, written by the same author.)

I recently heard Kimberly Herkert, co-founder of an organization called The Way of the Heart, share some wisdom from her Native American grandmother.  Kimberly once asked, “Grandma, what is the best advice you can give me?”  Her grandmother replied, “Eat or be eaten.”  At first Kimberly was perplexed by her grandmother’s response.  Over the years she has come to understand the meaning of this sage advice, which prompts her to ask three questions:

• Are you affected by what happens to you?
• Do you affect what happens to you?
• Which would you prefer?

Kimberly points out that cause and effect is not the only source of what’s possible in us.  We can also affect what happens to us through empowerment and choice.  We have a tremendous ability to attract what we want in our lives through purposefulness.  Herkert encourages us to look at our beliefs based on what we’re told vs. our beliefs based on personal experience.

What do you want to attract into your life and how do you affect what happens to you?  Are your responses and choices leading you to live the life you want?

If you manage other people, remember that acknowledgement can make a huge difference in the performance of your team members.